Social Media & the Curious Ask For Prayers
Asking for prayers for something on social media can be so effective. However, it also brings its own interesting array of, for lack of a better word, “issues.”
Last week, I asked for prayers on social media because I was having the experience of hating being in a wheelchair. I posted that I very rarely hate being in a wheelchair, and that 99.9% of the time, it doesn’t bother me. However, I shared that there are certain aspects of being paralyzed that pop up every now and then and create chaos in my life, and that that’s what I was experiencing.
I received so many messages from worried friends and family.
Were Zac and I falling apart at the seams?
Is my health failing?
Those were the 2 main ones.
Zac and I are wonderful. In fact, in the last month, our relationship has been increasing in so many positive ways. Although, like any couple, we still get on each other’s nerves on a regular basis. And then, love each other madly again. And then, begin on each other’s nerves again. Relationship to
On to concern number 2: my health is fine. I should probably take more vitamins now that I’m in my 40s, but that will go on the to do list for now.
I also want to be clear that I am also very curious and jump to all kinds of ideas as to why someone might be asking for prayers, when they don’t share all of the interesting details of the situation. Us human beings are so curious, aren’t we? We are also so creative in what our minds can come up with about why someone might need prayers.
So, to make a long story short, here it is. My explanation.
Being Dependent on Others for Everything that Requires Physical Ability
With very little notice, two of my caregivers were unable to make it into work. This left me with a 16 hour gap of not having a caregiver.
Prior to asking for prayers for the stress I was experiencing, I had reached out to all of my current caregivers, and almost all of my past caregivers to see if they could fill in. None of them were able to. I also reached out to several family members and friends, but they all had prior obligations. I was hesitant to share that because I don’t want anyone to think that my family would not step forward and drop things immediately if they thought I was going to be home alone for 16 hours straight. Zac is working up North and could not have made it home before the 16 hours would have passed. I don’t ask my sister Tiffany because I know she has work obligations she would drop in a second for me, and I don’t want her to do that. I also did not ask Tassy because she just started a new job and I do not want to get in the way of her successfully working at a young age. I didn’t ask my mom because she would say yes in a heartbeat and, at 85 years old, it is just not realistic or safe for her physical health (even though she believes she’s Wonder Woman (I mean, she kind of is in many ways.)
When times like this come up, there are so many internal complexities that make it difficult for me to navigate the situation. When I ask family and friends, I ask them without bringing any urgency or stress to the situation and always end with “I have several other people I can ask if this doesn’t fit your schedule easily.” I say this even when I don’t have several other people I can still ask. Why? Because I don’t want people to say yes to me unless it 150% works out for their schedule, energy, family, work obligations, etc. Honestly, part of me did not even want to that because I don’t want them to read this and possibly think “Next time Teisha asks, I’m going to say yes no matter what obligations I have.”
Unrealistic Reality of Shame
I’m a member of numerous spinal cord injury Facebook groups. The number 1 stressor for people who experience paralysis is feeling like a burden to family and friends. I already know what you’re thinking. “Teisha, I/we would never think you are a burden. Please reach out to me if you ever need someone to come over.” “Please reach out to me. I would be willing to come over there to help out.” “Please reach out to me. I might have a big learning curve in doing things like getting into bed and undressed/dtressed, but I’m sure we could fumble through it together and I would love to support you.”
I appreciate those responses, and I feel the love, but I still feel so uncomfortable, and for some reason, full of shame in needing someone’s help. Shame is such an interesting thing. Let me guess what you are thinking now. “Please don’t ever feel ashamed for needing help.” Or, “You do so much for the community. Don’t ever feel ashamed to ask and receive support.” Don’t ever feel ashamed. There are so many people who would love to support you.”
The reality is that shame is what it feels like. Mix shame with feeling like a burden, (even though it’s not realistic that your family and friends would feel/think you are a burden), and it makes for a lot of sadness and stress turned inward. The idea of explaining all of that to others while experiencing it adds even more stress. So, there I was, asking for prayers in general because I was experiencing something that was making me hate being in a wheelchair.
Here’s the good news. The prayers worked. Or, maybe it was the universe. Or, maybe it was fate. Or, maybe it was pure luck. I say it was the prayers having worked. Within 15 minutes of me asking for prayers, the 16 hours were completely covered through completely unexpected ways.
Prayers, Fate, The Universe???
Here’s the interesting part. When I made the post asking for prayers, I had intentionally blocked all of the people that I asked if they could fill in from seeing that post, because I didn’t want them to feel guilty after reading it and then saying yes to something they needed to tell me they were unable to do prior. I’ll say it again. The prayers worked.
So yes, I realize that I shouldn’t feel ashamed, I shouldn’t feel like a burden, I shouldn’t feel like too much, I should realize that there are people who would love to support me in this way… but I’m human, and all of those things are a very natural part of the experience that I (and tens of thousands of other individuals who have the experience of depending on others for physical tasks) have .
As I write this, I now have the fear that someone is going to call my mom and tell her about my experience last week. Please don’t. She doesn’t need that kind of stress and worry. I fear that someone is going to call Adult Protective Services to report that I am a vulnerable adult. Please don’t. If I had gotten to the point where I didn’t have someone here for a number of hours, I would have absolutely made it clear to my family and close friends that I was in a complicated situation and needed them to be here for health and safety reasons. Plus, I have all kinds of adaptive technology that would allow me to stay out of “neglect” status and 5 (yes, 5…assistive technology is amazing) ways to call for emergency assistance if it were needed.
So, why am I sharing now? Because I’m not in the midst of the situation, and I feel strong enough now to be vulnerable in sharing the experience of life in a wheelchair. Also, there’s another population of people who experience this. I’ve seen the stress in their eyes, and I’ve seen the relaxation and peace in their eyes, when they experience dependence or offers of support.
Elders also experience this
It’s our elders. So many of our elders also need support with things like having their walkway shoveled, getting to the store safely, getting to a doctor’s appointment, having a meal dropped by every now and then so that there is less risk of remembering to turn the burners off, etc. All of these simple things are simple life tasks that can make the difference between someone being put in a nursing/assisted living home or being able to comfortably live at home. Please check in on our elders.
Going forward…
As for me, I will continue trying to get comfortable with asking for support from a much wider circle of friends and family than I am currently comfortable with. In the meantime, if you could find some time to keep me in prayer for finding a caregiver for the 2 shifts that I have opening up, I would be so appreciative. Caregivers, CNA’s, and PCAs are underpaid for the important work they do. They receive zero health benefits, no retirement benefits, and the State of Alaska does not reimburse at a rate that the caregiving agencies can compete with Walmart or McDonald’s.
I recently reached out to a couple of Aenators and Representatives asking them if they would consider supporting a bill to increase the rate of pay that caregivers receive. It would be so helpful if any of you would support me in this effort trying to get this to happen for Alaska’s caregivers. I’m on week 4 of running an ad for one of the shifts that I have available and the 2 people who seriously considerec the position turned it down because they could make more money elsewhere.
For those of you who are reading this and had prior obligations last week, please do not feel bad for not being able to say yes to me. And please, please, do not let this make you feel pressured to say yes in the future.
Thankfully, these perfect storms of multiple caregivers calling out with short notice at the same time very rarely occur. Thank you for the prayers, positive energy, well wishes, wishes for good luck, supportive comments, loving reminders, sense of community, and every ounce of love.
Please say a prayer for all those out there in a situation like mine who do not have a loving and supportive family and community of people. I have read story after story in the Spinal Cord Injury Facebook Support groups of family members and friends clearly making sure they feel and understand that they are seen and treated like a burden.
I have the luxury of knowing that my feelings of being a burden are not true. Just because I feel it doesn’t mean it’s true. Unfortunately, it is reality for many others.
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