The beautiful chaos of life…

A life sentence of being paralyzed from the chest down and confined to a wheelchair will cause one  to question many things about life.

One of the biggest fears I had early in my injury as a young woman was whether or not I would be able to experience being in a relationship again.

Did I question whether I would ever find and experience love? Absolutely.

Did I question if there would be a guy who could see passed the wheelchair enough to commit to a relationship with me? Definitely.

Did I see my disability as “too much” for someone to be able to love me? For years and years.

Did I put up walls to try to protect myself from being hurt or left again? Yes.

Did I have to go through some painful, personal growth to truly learn to love myself in my entirety… disability and all? Yes, and it was not fun.

What are you telling yourself is impossible?

What are you feeling like you are not good enough for?

What lies are you telling yourself, about yourself?

How many years have you been working on getting back on your own 2 feet and learning to love yourself?

How many times have you wanted to give up on yourself?

Whatever your answer to those questions…

Keep going.

Keep healing.

It takes time.

It takes effort.

My journey has taught me that healing, loving and truly accepting ourselves is the most beautiful gift we can give ourselves. Eventually you get to a place where looking for someone else to make you happy is no longer the goal.

When that kind of freedom happens, that relationship you were desperately seeking for so long might just show up. If it does not, you don’t even notice because you are too busy being happy with yourself.

I am so thankful for Zac. He does not see a wheelchair when he looks at me. He never treats me like I cannot do something. He holds me accountable. He encourages me. He reminds me to take care of myself.

With virus cases surging throughout the world, Zac recently suggested that he apply for Family Medical Leave in effort to fill the gaps in caregiving services I have recently experienced since the pandemic. Not only does this allow me to have someone available night and day to help me with basic daily living tasks, but also reduces our exposure to others. Don’t get me wrong, it adds an entire new layer of complexity to a relationship and maybe I will share about that later, but we are making it work.

Never in a million years would I have thought that this beautiful chaos of a life would be mine.

When life looks incredibly dark and hopeless, it can be difficult to see any glimpse of a bright future. Don’t give up, you never know what happiness awaits you if you give up.

In the midst of any storms you are facing, my prayer for everyone is that there are glimpses of happiness you can be thankful for, slivers of hope for a brighter future, and a sense of resilience that will carry you into the happiness that you cannot see waiting for you.